Forward
by clhardi1
Summary: "She thought for a brief moment about how awful it was that they were celebrating the leveling of a building full of important technology and several security guards, but she shut that down quickly. She couldn't allow herself to go there, or she would go insane...again." It picks up just over a year after "Backwards".
1. Forward

**Title:** Forward (Sequel to **Backwards**)  
**Author: ** clhardi1  
**Rating:** K+  
**Warnings:** Mention of suicide attempt, depression and military missions (not too graphic)  
**Pairing:** Olicity (Felicity centric in this chapter)  
**Genre:** Angst  
**Word Count:** 5,241  
**Fandom:** Arrow (CW)  
**Summary:** "She thought for a brief moment about how awful it was that they were celebrating the leveling of a building full of important technology and several security guards, but she shut that down quickly. She couldn't allow herself to go there, or she would go insane...again." It picks up just over a year after "Backwards".

**Disclaimer:** Oliver and Felicity do not belong to me, but they do belong with each other. Just making that happen on paper...or my computer, actually.

**AN:** Okay. Look what you all went and made me do! I specifically said that "Backwards" was a one shot, now here I am with another part a few days later! Honestly, writing multi chaptered fics scares me! I don't want to be one of those frustrating authors who start something and never finish or update once a year. But, everyone was so kind (insistent) in the reviews that I couldn't resist!

I was not sure if I should add a chapter to the last story or start a new one for each part. I really intended for "Backwards" to be a finished story with a sad ending. So if you like that kind of thing, don't read this! I also have no promises that anyone will like where this goes. I just know my plans are to make it have a happier ending than the first part.

Be warned, this chapter is Felicity centric and has several original characters. It picks up just over a year after "Backwards" so you need to read that first. Felicity may be a bit OOC, I'm not sure...But the idea is that she has been changed by her time with her fathers organization. I plan for the next chapter to be Team Arrow and Oliver centric. Again, I'm still looking for a Beta reader, so all mistakes are mine. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Hope you enjoy this chapter. Look for the next one next week sometime. 

* * *

-

"Go forward about ten feet and turn left." She spoke into the com.

"There is no left!" A voice replied.

"It should be just up ahead. I can see it, right here on the screen."

"I'm telling you there's nothing here. And security is right on our six, not to mention, this whole thing is gunna blow in just under 48 seconds." He was calm, like always, but urgent. This mission was cutting things very close. It was literally do or die right now.

"And I'm telling you, Agent Simms, there is an exit to the left. You're right on top of it...wait! Do you see a panel or a raised place on the wall? Like a button or a hidden notch?"

"No. We can't find...wait, here it is. Got it."

She heard the whoosh of a door sliding open and then him calling to the others, "We got it, boys. Lets clear out."

There was more shuffling and the sound of rapidly stomping boots. "Go, go,go!" She heard Simms calling out to his team.

"22 seconds till boom." Agent Dunccan, seated to her right, reminded her. She relayed the message to the team through her com.

"I can't see a thing down here. Are we almost out?" Simms questioned.

"20 yards." Felicity nervously tapped her pen against the ceramic coffee cup near her mouse. "Hurry."

"That's what we're doing sweetheart."

"I told you not to call me that!"

"We'll discuss it later, if I don't explode."

"You are not going to-"

And then there was a loud explosion as the coms cut out. It startled Felicity so badly, she knocked the half full cup of coffee off of her desk. Every one in the command room was frozen. After a few moments of silence, someone dropped a hand on her shoulder. She could tell from the cool touch of the wedding band on his finger that it was Agent Shay. He squeezed lightly offering her silent support as they waited.

She pulled up thermal imaging of the area and tried to reestablish communication. There were spikes of intense heat everywhere. The building had been leveled. But where was her team?

"Agent Simms. Are you with us?"

No response.

"Agent Simms, Sigma team," she said with more force, "Do you copy?"

Nothing.

Her voice shook slightly with emotion as she tried one last time. "Saul, please answer me."

But there was no response. Only silence.

Someone behind her cursed. She heard someone else to her right punch something in frustration.

Then there was a burst of static on the lines and a gruff voice, "You sound a little worried sweetheart."

The entire command room, including Felicity, released the breath they had been holding. She heard cheers in the background as Agent Shay slapped her on the shoulder in congratulations. All around her, people took a moment to fist bump and back slap each other in celebration of another successful mission.

She thought, for a brief moment, about how awful it was that they were celebrating the leveling of a building full of important technology and several security guards, but she shut that down quickly. She couldn't allow herself to go there, or she would go insane...again.

Then as quickly as time had frozen, it picked back up to double speed. People were calling for extraction teams and checking on status reports and getting ready for other missions that had been temporarily paused during the urgency of the moment.

Now that she could breath again, she laughed and shot back, "Worried? Not even a little bit worried."

"Right," she heard him tease back. Then she heard agent Burns, who they called 'Bear' add from the background, "I bet you wet your fancy computer chair, huh?"

"Gross! You guys are incorrigible. I knew I should have run you into a dead end. Hurry up and get back here before send the drone after you."

They all had a good laugh.

"See you in a few Smoaky." She heard Bear call out again.

"Alright. Be safe." She responded and disconnected the coms. The van was already dispatched to pick them up. They were about two hours out from the base, and it was already after midnight, but she would hang around to make sure they really were in one piece.

Her corner of the command room had mostly cleared out now. She could still hear some of the IT guys clicking away at their keyboards and a few shuffling feet, but most people had cleared out to go home for the night or to prepare for the next mission.

She leaned back in her chair and took a moment to breath. She felt like she hadn't breathed properly since this mission started two days ago.

It hadn't been their biggest mission or the most dangerous, by far. Sneak in, set charges, blow the building full of experimental technology for a competing company. Simple. But it was the most morally compromising mission she had been directly in control of in the last ten months. They were striking at night, so the onsite crew would be minimal, but there would be causalities. She didn't dwell on that thought. It was one of those details she had learned to push to the back of her brain and ignore. She had to.

Instead of thinking about the mission, she sat back and stared out the large window of the command center. It overlooked the computer work stations and the main sparing floor. On the far wall were large engraved letters that read CULP. This place had been her home for the last year.

She used to hate walking by those letters everyday. But with time, it had become almost bearable to look at them. And with more time, she had even started to feel a sense of duty and compassion for these people.

Oh she still hated it.

These were her captors. They wrecked her life. Well, they followed the orders her father gave to wreck her life..but still...

She sometimes felt like she should hate them out of obligation, but somehow along the way, these people had slipped into her heart. Completely by accident, but it was too late to turn back now.

She told herself it wasn't really CULP or their purpose that she cared about. She couldn't care less about the criminal organization her father had founded years ago. She wished he and all of it would just implode and leave her be. But these other people were not her father. And the more she got to know them, the more she realized that they didn't deserve to die. They were just doing what they were told. Following orders. It was the order giver, her father, who was to blame. That's who she really hated. So she did her best to keep that hate reserved for him, not the people who worked here.

It hadn't always been like this though. She remembered her first arrival a CULP like it was yesterday, even though it was over a year ago now.

* * *

Her father had forced her into this, but he was as un-present in his own organization as he was in her life as a child. She wasn't sure what she had expected from a deadbeat criminal lord, but it wasn't total ignorance. Deep down inside, the six year old that loved her daddy had come here with the thought that maybe the reason he had forced her to work for him was because he loved her and wanted to restore some sort of relationship with her. At the least, she thought they would talk, or argue even. But she had seen the man a total of three times in the past twelve months. Once at her initial arrival, and then two other times for required biannual organizational meetings. Maybe this was due to the fact that their first face to face had gone over very badly.

She had just arrived a head quarters. She was still raw and angry and devastated by leaving her boys behind. And she was full of hatred towards them all for hurting them the way they had, and then ripping her away. She wasn't very pleasant to him. Not that he deserved it. He had just had Digg and Roy tortured and forced her to leave behind her only family. She had walked right up to him and punched him in the face. She had probably hurt herself worse than him, but the look of shock on his regal face was worth it. Maybe he hadn't expected her to put up a fight. He had ordered some men to get her settled in and then show her around her new home. They deposited her few belongings in a comfortable looking room and commenced the tour.

She didn't see him again for quite a while.

She was then given a tour of the grounds by Agent Dunccan. Physically he wasn't much. Tall, a bit on the lanky side. Dark rimmed glasses and a tablet in his hand gave her the impression that he wasn't here for his combat skills. He was a serious fellow. Never smiled once on the tour, but she could tell from the way he spoke that he was both intelligent and capable. Probably a perfectionist, she thought, but every place needed one right? The UG, as the facilities were call, was built entirely underground. It was complete with a main command center, sleeping quarters, medical unit, mess hall, training centers, various upper personnel offices, interrogation rooms and holding cells. There was a secret entrance somewhere under a subway station in the heart of the city. Tunnels, most large enough for a van to drive through stretched out in 4 directions form the UG. She had been blindfolded when they brought her down, but she could tell from the sounds and the smells that they were no longer in Starling City. She thought they were somewhere in the North East, but she couldn't be sure. She was sure that it was impossible for an organization like this to exist so extensively with out government knowledge.

That meant that either her father had something to hold over the heads of high US officials, or that he did dirty work for them.

The organization, apply titled, was called Culpabilis. CULP for short. It meant guilty. Their motto, which was plaster all over the walls read in latin, Culpae poena par esto - Let the punishment be proportioned to the crime. In short, they were a retribution for hire group. If someone wronged you and you wanted to go around the law, they would handle it for you, if the price was right. They seemed to operate under the idea that their way of justice, no matter how wrong it was, was the right choice. They were the real law. And the people working for CULP fully believed in what they were doing.

Along this tour, she begrudgingly met several CULP operatives. Most of them weren't memorable, but one stuck with her.

Agent Saul Simms was the first person she had met down here who smiled at her. When he and agent Duncann had traded off, he slapped the younger agent on the butt and told him to lighten up. Then he let out a wolf whistle, cracked some joke about her being prettier than her father and called her sweetheart. She had immediately been angry about the gruff, 40 something year old stranger calling her such a personal name. So of course, he insisted on calling her by the name as often as possible. She had spent most of the day with him filling her in on the necessary info. He told her about the secret short cuts and the best food in the caf. Gave her the dirty on who was secretly dating, who not so secretively hated each other and most importantly, who she could trust. By the end of their talk, she had decided he was on the top of that list.

The sweetheart nickname had become a running joke between them now. And she allowed it. She needed some lightness in this dark underground prison cell.

Simms had explained the general concepts of the organization to her. They get a call, sometimes from political figures, sometimes from government officials, sometimes from foreign diplomats or a rich business executive. If the price is right, and the group is benefited, they do the job. No questions asked. They they go home to their lonely dwellings for a few hours of sleep. Repeat. Many times, they didn't even make it home. Several nights a week you could find most agents crashed in the on site sleeping quarters. Some had no home outside of this place.

Simms had also introduced her to many of the people who had become her most trusted allies in CULP. She was once again the only girl, surrounded by a sea of testosterone.

There was Bear. He was officially Agent Bruce Burns, but they liked nick names around here. He was tall, very dark skinned and covered in tattoos from his bulging biceps up. There were even black flame designs that twisted from his neck up to just under his earlobes. He had short hair and a loud voice. He would have been quite scary if he wasn't always making everyone laugh.

Duncann, according to Simms, was a bit tight laced, but was mostly a big softie. He was the youngest of the agents at age 27. He handled the technology stuff for them currently and was probably feeling a little insecure with her there to basically tell him how to do his job better. His explanation had proved to be true over time. Once Duncann and stopped being afraid of being fired, they had bonded over their love of all things tecky and bold glasses designs.

Then there was Agent Arnold Shay. At 63, he was just about the oldest person in CULP. He was a kind of father figure to the group, and though he didn't often go out in the field, he was always a constant in the command center, assigning orders and making sure the missions went as smoothly as possible. He commanded the respect of everyone when he spoke and no one dared to defy him. He also kept them calm when things were tough. Felicity told him regularly that his super power was the voice of reason. He was wise, had the white hair to match, and the most in shape 60+ year old she had ever seen. He would run laps around her if not for his bum knee from a mission 10 years back. He served as the onsite leader when her dad was away, which was most of the time. He may have been old, but he was the person you wanted on you side in any situation. Felicity would sometimes get a tear in her eye while he was talking to her because he reminded her so much of Digg.

The five of them had run several light missions together along with many other agents, over the first few weeks and had established a pretty good working relationship. At first she resisted the pull to call them friends, but they were growing on her fast.

After she'd gotten over her initial grief of leaving her little family behind, she had slowly been able to open up and learn more about the CULP family. She wasn't really allowed into the deep inner workings of the group. She didn't know why or how her father had started the group or how he accumulated soldiers and other workers, but over time, she had noticed a common thread among the workers she met. They all seemed to have a story of brokenness. Dunccan had been bullied heavily as a child for his intelligence and computer hobbies. It had lead to heavy drug use and a stint in juvenile hall for hacking into several bank accounts to fund his addiction. Bear had been the only survivor of 35 men, killed when a suicide bomber walked into their camp in Afghanistan. He had been honorably discharged and sent home, only to have his wife leave him for another, less damaged man. Simms had been a former army sniper and had over 200 kills under his belt. While some may have worn that as a badge of pride, he seemed to wear his like a scarlet letter. His parents had been killed in a burglary gone wrong, so he had went into service right out of high school out of necessity. As far as anyone knew, he had no family to speak of, as was the story for most of the people here. Then there was Agent Shay, full of useless love for his dead wife and child killed by a drunk driver decades ago. Maybe it was hopeless brokenness that brought people to this place. It had certainly brought her. 

* * *

When she was little, when her mom was sick or busy, she had spent a lot of time alone in their apartment. She remembers one time in particular when she had been running and knocked over an antique vase of flowers that had belonged to her grandmother. Overcome with extreme guilt and the desire to not make her mother any more sad, she had tried to glue the pieces back together. It wasn't a bad break, so it looked nearly perfect when she was finished. Only a few, barely there lines in the glass showed that the vase had been broken. Her guilty little 8 year old heart wouldn't let her hide the truth, so she had showed it to her mother the moment she came home. Her mom had taken a long look at it, deciding, and then tossed it into the trash can. "Broken things, even when patched, have a way of leaking over time, Felicity. You'd do well to remember that." She had then taken a bottle from the upper cabinet and retreated to her bedroom.

Her mother was sick. But she was also right. Broken things could never really be patched. And Felicity was broken. It was only a matter of time before she leaked.

In the beginning, she supposed they were giving her some time to get the lay of the land. No big missions, but she was expected to be helpful in other ways. She had started out offering Agent Shay suggestions for system upgrades and showing Dunccan more advanced programs they could invest in. She had redone their entire security protocols and firewalls. That was for them, but mostly, in the beginning, it was because she was so terrified that Oliver would find her if she wasn't hidden well enough. So she updated, and secured and secluded herself in to a safe little hole in her fathers organization. And she tried to forget all about team Arrow.

This worked for all of two months until she had updated all she could and they started asking her to be involved in more of their active missions. They started out okay, but the situations got progressively more terrible over time. Track down an investment banker they needed funds from. Reroute some flights to different locations. Crash a certain technology firms server for 24 hours. Find out where a certain politicians family has their car worked on. Hack into the witness protection program and find the location of a woman they needed to question. Remote take over the controls of a foreign dignitaries private jet. Guide them through a billionaires mansion in the dark.

On that particular mission, she had messed up. She had old floor plans and they had apparently remodeled. They found this out when the kill squad had walked into the mans 5 year old daughters room instead of his. When they had reported this back to her, she had lost it. She had finally broken. Weeks of holding everything in and pushing everything out had gotten the best of her. She didn't just break or leak, she exploded.

It was mostly a blur now, but Simms had told her later that she had run from the control room and had to be taken down by three operatives. He told her she had grabbed one of their guns in the struggle and instead of aiming it at any of them, she had turned it straight towards her own head.

That's when her and Agent Shay and really become close friends. He was the one who had talked her down.

She didn't remember everything but she remembered she had been ready to pull the trigger. It seemed like her only option at the time. She couldn't run away. They would find her or torture the people she loved until she came back. But she couldn't stay here and be apart of orphaning little girls, or whatever they had her do next. The only choice that didn't involve hurting others meant hurting herself. Her death meant others would live. And she was brave enough to see that through.

But she hesitated.

Agent Shay, had approached her slowly and started talking to her about his family. He had been married 34 years that March to the love of his life. She had passed away 22 years ago in a car accident with his only daughter, but he was still as in love with her today as he was on their wedding day. He told her that after that had happened, he had thought that nothing would ever be good again. He had also wanted end everything. She asked him why he didn't. He told her that he chose to live because he knew the people who loved him would want him to keep fighting. It was his duty to them to live the life they would have wished for him.

It reminded her of a conversation she had with Oliver years ago.

We honor the dead by fighting.

She had told Oliver that he was not done fighting.

But she felt done. It had only been two months, sixty days away from them and it had felt like a lifetime. The people she loved were not dead, but separated from her for an unknown amount of time. No contact. No connection. They may as well have been dead to her.

She didn't know if he would have been able to talk her out of it or not, but it didn't matter because Simms and snuck up behind her and tackled the gun out of her hand and her to the ground.

She had spent the next 3 months in a padded cell on in the UG.

* * *

She was drugged for a lot of her time there. This was both pleasant and painful. The medication mostly just made her sleep, but not deeply enough to make her forget her past.

When she slept, she dreamed of her old life. She dreamed she was in the arrow cave updating the computers. Or at Queen Consolidated running reports for Oliver to go over before a big meeting. Watching Roy, Digg and Oliver spar in the training area. Having coffee with Officer Lance, chatting about the latest Arrow sightings.

She dreamed other things too. Things that never happened but she always wished they had.

She dreamed once that she was having a family dinner at the queen mansion. She knew it couldn't be real because Moria was there, and she was being nice to her. Thea was there too and they laughed together, swapping stories about Oliver as a child.

Another time she dreamed they were at another house. Just her and Oliver. She didn't recognize this place, but it felt like home. They were cooking breakfast together. She was wearing his shirt, flipping pancakes and humming a song. He was squeezing oranges for fresh juice and laughing at her because she couldn't even hum on key. She noticed a shiny gold band on his hand as he squeezed the juice into the picture. Then she looked down and saw one on her ring finger as well. He came up to her when he finished and hugged her from behind. Resting his head in the space between her shoulder and her neck. She turned into him and press a delicate kiss on his lips. And then another. He turned her in his arms and pressed her more firmly against the counter, returning the kisses eagerly. It always ended before she found out what happened next.

These dreams were moments of peaceful bliss, only to be followed by the devastating realization that they were not real. That they never happened. That they never would. Then she would spiral out again and they'd shoot her up with stronger drugs that returned her to her peaceful lies.

In brief moments of lucidity, she could hear voices.

She had heard the doctor talking to someone about extreem exhaustion and malnutrition. It made sense. She hadn't been sleeping or eating much since she left Starling City. The words "clinical depression" were also tossed around. She could believe that too.

She had googled the definition for depression when she was 11. Her mother had never been the same after her father left them. She wanted to know if there was a treatment or if she would snap out of it. If it was genetic. She could remember the definition exactly.

Severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

It didn't help her solve her problem , but she had memorized it anyhow so that if she ever began to see it in herself, she could stamp it out quickly. She would not become her mother.

A second definition for depression though said the lowering of something or pressing something down. That definition seemed more like how she had felt at that dark time right after she had went with her father.

She felt pressed, not just down, but form every side. She felt lowered too. She use to spend her nights saving her city with team Arrow. Now she helped a criminal organization track people down to be murdered. She had never felt so low in her life.

The voices of many different doctors and psychologist drifted in and out of her ears when she was awake. A few times she also thought she head other familiar voices calling out to her. Much of the time, she thought maybe the voices were coming from inside her head.

Out of all the voices she heard. She never remembered hearing the voice of her father. 

* * *

It was during her break down that she really began to depend on and care about these people here at CULP. About half way through the second month of isolation, they had weened her off of the drugs and forced her to talk to their resident psychologist. He was a nut, but the one good thing he did do was force her to interact with other people. Bear, Shay and even Duccan dropped by weekly to just sit and talk to her. Simms came by everyday, save once when he was on a over night mission that couldn't be avoided. She didn't talk back at first. Then she began to speak, but only to beg them to give her more drugs. To let he float back to oblivion. Back to Oliver. But they didn't give in or give up. Eventually Simms crazy mission stories and smile brought out one of her own. Bear managed to make her laugh just a little and you would have thought he'd won the lottery. Dunccan came in all the time with technology problems she was sure were fake or maybe even deliberately put in place by him. Shay, though very busy running things up in the control center brought her burgers and a diet coke every Wednesday.

Slowly, they pulled out of her dream world and back to reality. She wasn't sure this life was worth living yet, but most days, she didn't want to die.

When she was well enough to be released, she walked the narrow hallways to her room in the sleeping quarters slowly. She was unsure if she was ready to be out, to go back to this life. She had almost jumped out of her skin when Simms, Dunccan and Bear jumped out from various hiding places in her room yelling "surprise!" They had decorated, well... as well as any man can decorate, and bought her a cookie cake. At first she had stared at them silently as they held out the cake. "It's your favorite, right?" Bear had asked, in a strangely shy voice. It was her favorite. They had been paying attention. It's what the cake read that gave her pause. Welcome Home Smoaky was written in bright pink across the middle of the cake.

She had to make the decision right then what she was going to do.

Was she going to loose it again? Go for their guns.

This time not hesitate.

Or was she going to choose to make the best of her life now... to keep fighting?

She had told Oliver years ago that he wasn't alone and to keep fighting. She had also promised Digg she would be safe. Besides that, these men had obviously come to care for her and she for them...so she wasn't really alone. Strangely, she did have friends here in this prison cell. Her captors had become her confidants. Her foes had become her friends. The ones who held her chains had become her lifeline.

She made the choice to stop planning escape routes, ways to crash the system or ways to end her life. She vowed to stop looking at new reports for Arrow news, stop thinking about Starling City and stop feeling sorry for herself. No one here really liked to talk about their past, so that made it easier to forget hers. She would do her job here, no matter how morally questionable it seemed. She wouldn't worry about who they may be hurting and concentrate on who she was helping. These kind, broken men, brought here by devastation and kept here for acceptance.

Once again, in her mind, she said goodbye to Oliver, to team Arrow, only this time in her head as well as her heart, and this time for good.

* * *

Ten months later, here she was, mostly mentally stable, her own desk in the command center next to Dunccan's. When she was cleared for active work, it seemed that everyone had agreed that she would only run certain missions and that she would have her own specialized team and spot in the mission control area. She didn't know who had initiated this change, but she had a feeling Bear and Simms and volunteered to be apart of Sigma team. She owed it to them to keep them safe while they kept her sane. And for the most part, it worked well both ways.

Tonight had been a bit rocky, but her team was safe and on their way home.

_Home_

Was this what this place was now?

Time slipped away from her. She got comfortable and warm curled up in the computer chair and the drone of the servers lulled her to sleep. When she woke up it was to the soft shuffling of covers as someone pulled them up to her chin. Looking around through hazy eyes, she realized someone must have carried her to her room. She was in bed and someone had removed her shoes and tucked her in. She heard a soft chuckle and knew who it was.

"Bear?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Me too, sweetheart." called Simms. "Shay told us to make sure you got to bed okay and that we all sleep in tomorrow. That was a tight one."

"You all okay?" she questioned sleepily.

"Yes sir-ee Smoke Stack. You saved the day once again. Don't you worry about Sigma squad." Bear smiled down at her. "We know how to get her done."

She couldn't help but smile back at his crazy southern slang.

"Good." she said, then she lied, "I was never worried."

"Right." Simms laughed. "You sleep tight kid."

"You too. Night boys."

They slipped out quietly. Felicity tried to settle back down and fall asleep, but her mind was too busy now running over the details of the mission. What went right, but mostly what went wrong mixed with a bit of what could have went wrong. She allowed herself to think about it for only a few minutes. She tried to stay out of her mind as much as possible these days. Maybe that wasn't a healthy way to cope, but it was what worked for her. _Let go of the past. Let the future be. Live in the present. And move forward one day at a time._ Agent Shay had told her that over Wednesday burgers during her stay in the medical unit. Ever since then, she tried to live by those words. They kept her sane most days...along with her Sigma Team boys. They made sure she was sleeping enough, eating well, smiling for at least 68% of the day, Dunccan joked. And they were a big help. They made her life here better.

But it was a catch 22 situation. Because every time she found herself flooded with the happy surge of adeline after a good work out with Simms, or laughing at a joke Bear told or feeling satisfied that Sigma team was home, safe again with their mission accomplished...Every moment she enjoyed here, was a shadow, a memory, a reminder of her other boys, her other family. The ones she had left behind.

Here she was, working for the enemy, living, laughing at times, all while they were...

Well, she didn't even know what they were.

And that killed her.

_Killed her._

For a year now, she hadn't listened to one news report or read a single article from Starling City. She had made it a point to work constantly, be around people in down times, talking, planning, distracting herself. Then going strait to bed, usually with the aid of a sleeping pill that didn't allow her to dream. A year ago she had been desperate to dream, to see him, all of them again in her sleep. Now she prayed for a dreamless night, and ensured that prayer with strong sedatives. Those dreams would only pull her back. Her focus was on today. Constantly moving forward, never allowing herself the chance to look anywhere else.

Most of the time this worked.

She tossed and tumbled a bit, then reached for the bottle of sleeping pills by her nightstand. She dry swallowed two and recited her mantra over and over again in her head. _Let go of the past. Let the future be. Live in the present. And Move forward._ She let the words sooth her rushing thoughts and block out the demons until sleep found her.

- 


	2. Pieces

AN: Can I just start out by saying this was really hard to write! I kind of hate it. But I needed this chapter to get to the next ones. And I need both characters to have moved on in **some** way, but still be damaged. But It's really hard to imagine team Arrow without Felicity! All I could come up with was a bunch of dialogue and situations where Felicity would be missed and no way to connect them. So... Wa-la!

Then, I came up with the crazy idea that maybe it all makes sense because I imagine Oliver and team Arrow would be in pieces without Felicity...All broken up...Which is kind of what this whole chapter is! It's little looks into what team arrow and others lives are like without Felicity. The pieces are spread apart in time and mixed around in POV. Theres also a bunch of Laurel, which is strange, because normally I can't stand her character, but I tried to make her real. Hope you can follow and enjoy. I foresee 2 more chapters to get these two crazy kids back together. Review and let me know if I should continue!?

Also, I started my summer job, so I can only post on Saturdays:( That's the reason for the long delay this time actually. It's my only day off in a long, exhausting week of camp counseling (which I love!) Lots of reviews will encourage me to spend that day writing:)

Still working on the beta. All mistakes are mine! Sorry!

* * *

When Oliver first became aware of his surroundings, it was slowly, foggily, and to the muffled sound of frantic footsteps and conversations.

But none of them were the right voice. He tried to force his heavy eyes open, but they would only open for a few moments at a time so he tried to focus on just listening. Something was wrong. Very wrong. But he couldn't for the life of him remember what it was.

He heard Diggle and Laurel talking. Laurel sounded upset. Diggle sounded, well, he just didn't sound like John Diggle. And that was disturbing. Out of all of them, Dig was always the one who was steady in all situations. If he was off, something bad must have happened.

But Oliver couldn't think. So he just listened as he tried to force his eyes open again and again.

"I need you to hand me more gauze for that spot on my back. I can feel it. It's still bleeding." Diggle grunts.

"No, what you need is for me to call another ambulance for you." Laurel protests.

"No. I don't."

"You've got broken ribs. I'm afraid your going to puncture a lung."

"I'll be careful, Laurel. I need to be here when he wakes up." They are talking about him. He wants to scream that he is awake, but he can't quite find the words. So he keeps listening.

"There's possible internal bleeding, these bruises are serious. You're nearly as bad off as Roy was and he's in surgery now. They don't even know if he'll make it through!" He cracks open one eye to see her press another towel to his bloody noes. She looks so worried. He looks so lost. "Your nose won't stop bleeding." She complains.

"I'm okay for now and as for the nose, we can cauterize it. I'll show you how."

"Dig, I'm a DA, not a DR! Oliver just showed me how to put in stitches this year. I'm not remotely qualified or ready for this."

Then Oliver heard a crash of metal and what must be Diggle hiss and then yell out in anger, pain, fear? He can't quite tell.

"Well you need to get ready, Laurel! We have to be ready! We have to- We have to-" His voice tries to hold the anger, but it floods out and is replaced by grief.

Oliver hears a sob.

And then Laurel telling him to breath and clam down. "Hey," she says "It's going to be okay. We are going to find her. And it's going to be okay then."

And suddenly, he's wide awake, and devastatingly aware of who has been missing form this overheard conversation.

_Felicity_

He realizes he has said it out loud when they both gasp and turned to look at him.

"Oliver." Laurel calls out in warning to him. She was still holding a towel to Digs bleeding nose, but she looks like she ready to tie him down if needed.

"Where is she?" He asks them.

"Oliver. Just, sit back down, okay." Laurel says this to try and calm him, but he'll have none of it. He directs the rest of his questions to John with building intensity.

"I don't need to sit. I need you to tell me where she is Diggle. Just give it to me strait."

And he does.

"She's gone. She went with her fathers men."

"Was she hurt?"

"No. She was fine. Not a scratch, Oliver. She went without a fight."

"Do we know where?

"No."

"Did - did she say anything?"

"She said not to come after her."

"How long ago did they take her?"

Dig Sighs. He knows what's about to happen, but he answers anyway.

"It's been over two hours Oliver."

"Okay."

Diggle looks shocked at his response and questions. "Okay?"

"Yes. I got it." Then Oliver turns and walks quickly towards the weapons room.

Laurel calls out to him. "Wait, where are you going?" She follows him into the room and he answers as he's roughly stuffing arrows of all types into a duffle bag.

"I'm going to get my arrows. Then I'm going to find those men and put one in every last one of them. Then I'm going to bring her back here and maybe put one in her."

Diggle has joined them now and tries to stop him. "Oliver, I don't think that's going to-"

He cuts him off quickly. Confidently. "It will work. This won't be the first time she gotten herself into trouble."

Diggle is not as confidant though. "I don't think this is like the other times Oliver. These people are different. And they didn't actually take her. They threatened her and she went with them. It's a different scenario and these people are very organized. We need to think about this before we-"

He slams the bag of arrows down on the counter and walks towards him quickly, yelling.

"We don't have time to think, Diggle! It's been hours! Do you know where they could be by now? What they could be doing to her? We have to act now! You've wasted too much time already!"

Laurel's angry now. She's just had to drag three bloody, beaten, broken, half dead friends from an abandoned building, so she screams at him like he's screaming at Diggle. Tears running down her face. "Oliver! Look at him. He can barely move! No one's wasting time. You all nearly died tonight!"

"Yes but we are all here! Aren't we?" Oliver yells right back. Then he looks accusingly at Diggle. "We are all here, and she's not. Why isn't she here, Diggle?"

Then Laurel is walking out in frustration. A minute later, Diggle is in his face. So close the blood from his nose is dripping on his shirt. And he's never seen him this mad before.

"Don't you dare, Oliver. Don't you dare act like I don't care about her just as much as you do! Like I just let this happen. I want her back. Just as much as you."

"The help me!" Oliver yells. But then his voice breaks and he's desperate. "I have to find her! We have to get her back Dig. We have to."

"We will." Dig promises him, clamping a bruised hand on his shoulder. He's not sure who's holding who up right now. "We will."

But they didn't.

* * *

"Oliver! Oliver, stop!"

"No. He hasn't told me what I need to know yet. Have you Mr. Carson?"

Digg continues to try and reason with him. "We will try something else."

"We have nothing else!"

"Oliver, your going to kill him!"

"I just might kill him." He Growls at the man he's holding by the throat. He's got him pressed agains the side of a building. He's cutting off his air supply. Mr. Carson's lips have started turning blue. But Oliver doesn't care. He growls out. "You better start talking."

"I though you didn't kill people! I thought that wasn't your thing anymore!"

"Things change, Mr. Carson. Those people. The ones you don't know anything about. They took something that belongs to me. I need it back. And I'm desperate enough to do whatever I need to do to get it back. Desperation tends to make people different." "So you better start talking or you'll find out just how much I've changed."

"I- I- told you, alls I did was rent the guys a car! They paid cash. I didn't even catch their names. I swear to-" He presses so hard on the mans throat he can feel tiny bones in his throat crunch and the mans face contorts in pain. But Oliver doesn't see this. All he sees is her empty computer chair in the lair, and her sweater that still hangs by the door in the office, and her spare flats under his desk, and the messages from her land lord about clearing out her town home, and Office Lance saying he has no leads after three weeks. Three weeks and nothing. His mind burns with this information. The anger and pain bubble and sear and boil until it spills over from his brian and travels down his neck and through his arms and makes him squeeze even tighter.

"Oliver!" Somehow, DIgs voice breaks through the haze of furry and pain. "This is not what she would want. You know that. Think! Nothing will be profited from his death! It won't fix this. It won't get her back and you will regret-."

"I already know all about regret." He tells Diggle through the com.

"Then don't add anymore to us, or to her." He says back. He's on edge. Oliver suspects that if he doesn't stop now, Diggle will be out of the car and putting a sleeping dart in him in about two minutes. And that's not an experience he wants to relive anytime soon. Besides. He's right. She would be ashamed of who he's become in the last three weeks. He's ashamed of himself.

"I'm done here. Be there in 10." Shaking, Oliver releases the man, who is now out cold, and heads for the car.

"I'll be here." Dig says and cuts the coms.

Oliver knows he's in for it.

He climbs in the passenger side of the black sedan, expecting another fight, but the ride in silence all the way back to the lair.

The first this Oliver says once the door is closed is "I didn't kill him."

Diggle scoffs, and then, "No, but you were ready to."

"I was." Oliver nods. "I would have. If it meant I could find her. If I could just figure out where she is. I would have killed him to find out." He is one hundred percent sure of this. And it scares him.

Diggle seems to notice that something has changed. They have been at this non stop for a few weeks now. Maybe this was the breaking point. "But you didn't, Oliver." He tried to offer a bit of comfort.

"Thats not the point, Diggle."

"Then what is?"

"Slade Wilson killed my mother. Drove away my sister. Kidnapped people I loved. Tried to destroy an entire city. And I refused to kill him. I locked him up on an island."

He sighs and then continues, shaking his head.

"Now, we get a hint of a possible lead on... on her, and, and I'm ready to snap the guys neck!"

"It's been hard, man." Diggle reminds him. "On all of us. It's understandable that this has you crazy. I'm crazy."

"Yeah, but you're not nearly killing people! You're the one that's always calm and level headed, Diggle. I feel like this is destroying me Diggle. I feel like it's making me someone I use to be. Someone I hate. And I can't see the end."

Diggle is about to say something but they are interrupted as Laurel unexpectedly steps out from the back training room.

"I'm sorry. I was actually trying really hard not to ease drop. I just came by to drop off these files for the loan contracts, but... Listen. I know I'm fairly new to this whole, team arrow, save the world thing. And I know in general, I'm the outsider in this situation you three have had going on, but I think an outside perspective may be what you need."

Digg and Oliver looked at each other and then they both turned to face her fully. Here was another person he had inadvertently hurt in his rampage. She hadn't deserved the way he had bee acting the last few weeks either.

"Laurel, you are apart of the team. You have been for a while now. I'm sorry if I've made it seem like you're not lately, but, we're listening."

"Okay, good." She smiled and stepped closer and she broke into her explanation. "I'm a lawyer. We deal in facts and assumptions made from those facts, right?"

They nodded. And she went on.

"So...lets look at the facts about Felicity."

Oliver Flenched at the mention of her name. But her focused in on what she was saying.

"Wherever she is, she is being well hidden. Every search, scan protocol we have run has been blocked. And we have been running Felicity's search software. It's the best. But it's failing. Assumptions? Maybe the reasons the searches are failing are because she is blocking them. Which leads to other thoughts. Why is she blocking them? To stay hidden? To protect us? Most likely. But more importantly, that fact tells us that she is in fact alive and in fact surrounded by some pretty sophisticated technology. And knowing Felicity, if she is around technology that good, she can't be completely miserable."

She smiled at that thought. And they did too.

"From that idea we can assume that she is not locked in a dungeon somewhere or hurt. She is obviously well and sane enough to keep us away. She probably well fed, looked after, given what she needs. So that can give us some peace."

Oliver is skeptical. "Thats a lot of assumption."

Like any good lawyer, Laurel has another point. "Another fact. She is with her father. No matter how evil or absent he might have been, on some level, he cares for her. Maybe not for her free will, but at least her safety. Diggle, you said when she left, even she didn't believe he would ever hurt her."

"Thats what she said." Dig confirms.

She continues. "So, we can again assume that wherever she is, she is safe. It's been weeks now. Where ever she is, she's probable adjusted, settled in, accepted her situation." She's right next to him now and lays a hand on Olive's crossed arms while looking between them both. "So maybe its time you all did too. And before you get mad and take my head off, these are all just thoughts, but, if they were true, I think she would want to think the same of all of you. She would want to know that you were all safe and healthy and sane. She left, to ensure that. And I think you owe it to her to at least try."

Oliver says in a quiet voice. "I've been trying, Laurel. I can't find her. I don't know where to else to look. I don't know what else to do."

"I'm not talking about trying to find her, Ollie, I'm talking bout trying to move on without her."

She focuses all of her attention on him. On making him hear her. Because she's afraid if he doesn't, they are going to lose them both.

"The biggest fact is that Felicity is not here, but we are. And so is this city, Oliver. And it still needs to be saved."

His eyes are wet. His had have uncrossed and mad their way to his pockets. He stares at a spot over her shoulder she thinks is probably they computer chair Felicity loved so much. "How can I save a city of strangers when I can't even save one person I love?

She grabs his face with both hands hands and forces him to look at her.

"You start by getting it out of your head that you have failed her. That you have let her down if you don't find and rescue her right now. She made the hard choice to protect you and save this city by leaving. She knew how many people needed you, and she wasn't selfish with her life. So you can't be selfish either! She showed strength and courage by sacrificing her desires so that you could be who you were meant to be Oliver! She's not some weak damsel you need to save. She's a hero. As much as you are. And I have a feeling, wherever she is, she's still being just that. The only way you fail her is by giving up on who she knew you could be."

There's a tear, threatening to spill over the edge of his left eye. He reaches up to catch it with his thumb, causing her to drop her hands. "I don't even remember how to be who I am without her."

Diggle, who he has almost forgotten is still there, claps him on the shoulder and says "Then we will help you remember."

* * *

It was nearly 1 am. They had been in her townhouse all day packing up things to move to a storage building. It was evident how suddenly Felicity had left, by looking around her home. Half empty can of coke on the kitchen counter next to an open package of cherry pop tarts. jewelry laid out on the dresser for the next day probably. Reminders on the fridge to pick up creamer. Various shoes scattered here and there. Newspaper, open on the couch to the technology section. A dog eared romance novel on the night stand. A birthday card for Roy, already written in and sealed, waiting on the table by the door for the right day. It was like a picture frozen in time, they thought, as they packed it all away in brown boxes.

This was temporary, they told themselves. The payments were two months behind and neither of them could really afford the cost of an extra house payment right now. The club had been doing well and QC had recovered nicely in the last year, but with everything that had gone on in the last few months, both businesses had slipped to the back of focus for all of them and profits had begun to suffer. CEO's who didn't show up to the office didn't actually get paid much by the governing board it turns out. It was a condition of their getting the company back in the first place. Their bodyguards also didn't get paid. Oliver was really not in any state to think rationally about anything right now, so Diggle and Roy had made the decision to pack her place up and rent it out until she came back. They hadn't even told Oliver yet. That was not going to go over well at all.

Tensions had been running high at the arrow cave and to be honest, as bad as it sounded, Roy and Diggle both needed a break from Oliver's grief. Not that this was a happy task. It was actually terrible, but it was necessary. And it was something they could get done. They had been tirelessly searching for Felicity everywhere for weeks now, to no avail. Not even a decent hint of a lead. It was frustrating and infuriating and really very frighting. Worse still, the building tension was tearing them apart, which was exactly what she didn't want. They were getting it all wrong.

Packing up her things. Storing them away safely. That was something they could do right. They could be helpful to Felicity when she couldn't be here physically to do this herself and helpful to Oliver when he couldn't be here mentally to do it for her.

Roy had been out of the loop for a while, recovering, so when John stopped by to pick him up to help that morning, he had been very eager. John hadn't quit realized how much extra trouble he had signed up for at the time.

"How do you even pack candles."

"Just wrap them in the socks, Roy."

"Huh. How do you know these things?"

"Diggle? Do you think we should really be going through a girls underwear drawer with out her permission? I mean, this feels wrong. Or illegal."

"We break the law on a nightly basis. And I think she would understand, given the circumstances. So just put it in the box and don't think about it."

"Who has this many shoes?"

"Didn't you date Thea Queen? Pretty much every girl has that many shoes."

"I guess I never really paid attention to the shoes. She was very...distracting in other-"

"Too much information about my bosses little sister Roy."

"Yeah, sorry."

"What should I do with these, cord things under here?"

"Ah, just uh- put them in with the box of computer parts."

"Which one? There are like, 7. No, 8."

"I don't know, Roy! Pick one!"

"Alright!"

"Where are the dishes going again?"

"Bubble wrapped, then in the plastic containers by the door. For the third time!"

"Sorry, I'm forgetful."

"I've noticed th-"

Then there was a loud crash followed by Roy's louder, "Crap!"

Diggle let out a frustrated growl. He was way past done with this job. He was coming back tomorrow...alone. "Has anyone ever told you you're the worst packer ever, Roy?"

He expected another silly, or inappropriate comment from the kid, but instead, his words were laced with anger and self loathing.

"I know. I'm bad at this. I'm a giant failure at everything. Lay off.

Diggle quickly backed off and apologized for lashing out.

"I'm sorry kid. It's not you. Got a lot going on in my head right now."

"I get it, Dig. This...well, this sucks."

"Yeah, thats one word for it."

Sensing he needed to say more, Diggle directed them both to sit on two packed boxes by the door. "What's up Roy?" He asked him.

The unopened birthday card caught Roy's eye as he sat quietly, thinking. He picked it up and rubbed it between his hands as he began to speak.

"I, uh, I still have dreams about it sometimes. About that night. About when she found me. They keep me up. I can't sleep some nights at all thinking about it." He stopped for a moment, flipping the card in his hand a few more times. Taking a few deep breaths. He seemed to be working up the courage to say something, so Diggle just waited until he was ready.

"I think sometimes, if I had just pulled it together, sucked it up. Maybe I could have helped you. Or stopped her. Or did something-"

Diggle had to stop him right there.

"Hey. Don't do that." He looked right in his eyes as he spoke and clapped a hand on his shoulder so he would understand. "This was not your fault man. And we've got enough on our hands with Oliver blaming himself for things that aren't his fault. You can't start too."

Then Diggle had to pause to gather himself. "I need you." He finish.

He thought maybe that would be it, but Roy still had doubts.

"Do you? Do you really need me? Cause I've been feeling pretty useless lately." He hung is head between his bent knees, still turning the card in his hands. Running his fingers over the seal, but not breaking it. He explained. "Oliver won't talk to me. He won't bring me in on possible leads or missions. He won't even train with me anymore. I know you've both been busy searching for her and that I've been out of it recently, but I want to help! And you guys just keep shutting me out."

Diggle could see the guilt and frustration pouring out of him with his words. This talk had been long over due.

"This is the first thing you've let me do even slightly related to Felicity since that night. And I get it. I know how much she means to you two. But she was, is, my friend too Dig."

There was silence for a few seconds while both men gathered their thoughts and emotions. Then Diggle responded.

"You're right Roy. We haven't been fair to you. We haven't been bringing you in."

He released a deep breath and met his eyes again.

"But it's not because we want to cut you out, or because we blame you for what happened."

"Then why?"

"Roy, we thought you were dead. We spent hours staring at your chest, trying to tell if we were just imagining you breathing or not. Then they drug you out and you were gone. And then after-"

_After she was gone was the understood, unmentioned thought._

"When we found you, you were in such bad shape, we thought we might have to watch you die all over again."

"Yeah, it was bad. It's been a hard recovery, physically and in other ways."

"I know. You've only been back in shooting shape for a few weeks. Cut yourself some slack. I'm sure with the trouble Oliver's digging up, there will be plenty of action coming your way soon enough."

Diggle shook his head and looked across the open space of Felicity nearly empty town home. He thought of his friends. "Oliver...He's just sacred. And heartbroken and full of guilt. He's lost a lot in the last few years. I think he's afraid to hold on too tightly to anything else. He'd push me away if I'd let him. You've just got to give him some more time to get over what happen to you. What happened to all of us."

"Do you really think he's going to give up?" Roy questioned, "That he's ever going to get over her? That any of us will?"

Diggle answer was automatic.

"No. But I think it will get easier. It has to. We can't keep going on like we have been. Its going to come to a breaking point, sooner rather than later I'm afraid. And weather Oliver knows it or not, he needs you. And I need you. So hang with us."

Diggle stood then, offering a hand to Roy who accepted. He pulled him in for manly back slap and they gathered a few boxes to take out with them.

With box under his arm, Roy laid the card back on the table on his way out the door. He wasn't ready to open it yet. He looked at it for a long moment and then turned to his friend.

"How do you do it, Diggle?"

Diggle laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "Do what? Eat Big Belly Burger so often and maintain my excellent physique?"

Roy laughed too.

"No. How do you deal so well with... everything?"

He smiled at him again. "I deal because I don't have a choice not to. I have a wife who has a dangerous job and who's boss is insane. A three year old on his second year of the terrible twos and potty training. And beside the job of being a husband and father, I've got three other jobs."

"Three?" Roy questioned

Diggle shot him an award winning smile and then said. "Yeah. Black driver by day, Backup by night, and a babysitting broody Abercrombie boys on the side."

"Hey. I'm highly offended by that."

"Good. That was my intention."

"Yeah, yeah."

Roy pulled the door shut and they headed for the moving truck they had rented. They climbed in and buckled up, but Diggle hesitated before he started the engine, so Roy turned to him expectantly.

"I think about that night a lot too, Roy. I think we all do. But what I remember most is not what I didn't do. It's what I did do. I made a promise, Roy. I made her a promise. Now I'm just trying to make good on it."

He's looking out the window as he talks. Seeing the the empty late night streets and the empty town homes and cars. He's imagining the future and wondering if everything will will always feel this empty.

"She's gone Roy. And what Oliver can't face right now, is that she wasn't taken. She left. They gave her a choice, and she made the choice to protect us. And if Laurels right, she's purposefully keeping us away. Probably for our own good. I hate it. Everything in me wants to find her and put a bullet in everyone who's caused this and I hate that I can't do that! But...If I can keep you two alive, keep us together and try and make things okay again, then I'm doing what she wanted. And thats what I can do for her right now." He finished with a slight smile and maybe a tear. "Two out of three ain't bad for now right?"

"No, not bad at all." Roy agreed and added "And hey, you know you're not alone in this, right?"

"I know. I've got you. The worst packer ever, right by my side!"

"When she comes back, I'm going to tell her how mean you were to me." Roy said with a watery smile.

"I can't wait." Diggle said, and they both agreed.

* * *

John Diggle had had enough.

"Oliver, for the last time...I'm your bodyguard, your sparring buddy, your backup, and your best friend. I'll even be your black driver. But I am not your personal assistant or your secretary!"

"I am aware of that Diggle."

"I'm not sure you are."

"I just need your help on a few-"

"Yeah, I know. You just need me to make the reservations for dinner tonight and you just need me to scan through your emails for the lost one, and you just need me to organize the files for the meeting with Cooper today and you just need me to push back your 3:00 to 3:45 and you just need me to have your navy suit pressed..."

He paused for a second, deciding if he wanted to broach the sore subject again. It was a sensitive spot for them all...still.

"What you need, Oliver, is a-"

"I know what I need Diggle!" Oliver shouted, quick, and too loud for the thin walls in the office. Other employees passing by looked in their direction at the disturbance, but then looked away quickly, trying not to look too nosey. They knew the boss had been having a rough time, what with his EA quitting so suddenly on him and all. No need to get on his bad side.

Oliver realized just a quickly, with one look from Dig, that his friend had not deserved that kind of response. So he calmed and stuttered, "I'm not- I can't do-. Not yet. Just- Not yet."

Felicity had been missing now for several months. In his head it felt like an eternity, yet it also felt like life had just stopped. But it hadn't, as he was constantly reminded. He had a struggling company to maintain and a crime ridden city to save. Employes a QC and team arrow members all looking to him for some sort of guidance. It seemed like everyone around him wanted him to face the facts and find a new EA, a new partner, a new computer tech. Move on. But normally, Diggle was the more understanding one out of all the people in his life. because Diggle was there when it all happened. When she left that night. Because he understood that she hadn't just left them behind, but that she'd taken a part of him with her. A part he hadn't even acknowledged she held until it was ripped away from him. And because Diggle loved her too. It had been the three of them for so long. It just felt wrong without her.

"Alright man. Alright." DIggle conceded and slapped Oliver on the shoulder as he made is way past him out the door to do the next job he wasn't hired to do. Oliver tried to busy himself with organizing the papers on his desk, but Diggle turned again at the door and waited for him to meet his eyes. He sighed and looked somewhere over his left shoulder.

"Oliver," He shot him a sad look. "We are both going to have to face this some day. I don't want to either. But at some point, we have to-"

"Give up?" Oliver locked eyes with him this time. Daring him to say it. They had been playing this game for a while now. The _who would give up first_ game.

But no one would win today.

"No." Diggle said. "Not give up. Move on, man. We have to find a way to move on without her."

Oliver said nothing to that. So Diggle finished. "It's what she would want, and you know it."

"I know. I just don't know how." Oliver sighs and his previous intensity is gone. He's deflated. Defeated. Lost. He stares down at the mess of papers on his desk, head in his hands. It's covered in unorganized, confusing, out of order stacks of useless drabble. It's like his desk is doing a perfect impression of his life right now.

Diggle knows nothing he can say right now will fix this, so he reminds him of something Felicity said. "Well, she was right. You're not alone. And we are not giving up on her. We are just choosing not to let this cripple us. No to let it kill us. We still have a job to do. A city to save and a company to get back."

"So I just go back to life as it was before? Pretend like this never happened? Like she never happened?"

"What other choice do you have, Oliver."

* * *

She's running late. She was suppose to her dad for coffee this morning at 10 am and it's currently 11:15. That barely gives them any time before their respective breaks are over, but they barely get to see each other anymore with their new promotions and long hours. Now that she working night with the Arrow more regularly, he's more worried and she more busy, so this time is vital. Plus, it's just nice to have a few moments of peace together. She rushes in to the small cafe to find her dad waiting at the small table in the back with her coffee, which is probably cold.

"Hey, baby. You're late, again." He says as she sits down across from him in the little booth for two. The two of them have just started meeting here this past year. She knows he use to meet Felicity here weekly for Arrow updates once he and the team had started working in conjunction two years back. She also knows Felicity and he father had grown quite close. That some times they had just met because. Sometimes she thought maybe they found something in each other that the other was missing. Felicity a father who was there. Her dad, a daughter who wasn't such a risk. But look what happened.

"I know, dad." She says. "I'm sorry. You know, the life of a DA. Busy busy busy! Never a dull moment."

"Yeah," He laughs, "And I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's actually not that part of your life that keeps me on edge these days."

She laughs too. "I know that too daddy. And I've told you-"

"Not to worry. So you say. But it's part of the job as your father, Laurel. I worry. I'll always worry about all my girls. I worry about you, off saving the world with that crazy hooded fool. Sarah, running around who know where with her band of assassins. And then theres my other girl. MIA."

They both look down to their coffee cups now as the familiar feeling of sadness settles in. She know her dad missis her as much as the rest of them.

"Any word?" Sadly she can detect a hit of hope, even though it's been months.

She hates telling him, even though it's the same news every week. "No. Still nothing."

He frowns. "Yeah, I'm still turning up nothing but blanks on all my searches as well. But I expected as much. She's good."

"She is. It's big shoes to fill." Impossible shoes to fill actually. And they both know it.

He leans back, taping his knuckles against the table top. Thinking.

Then he asks, "And Team Arrow? They doing well?"

"They are... alright. Things are getting better everyday. It really helps having something to do. So thanks for all the stuff you've been feeding us."

"Yeah, sure." He says distractedly.

"And how's he handling it? Still bad?"

'He' Means Arrow because her dad, at his own request, still doesn't know that Arrow is actually Oliver. He's a very perceptive man. She's not sure how he hasn't figured it out by now.

"He's- He's dealing. I think. I hope. We are trying, slowly, to get back to normal Arrow things. I'm trying to keep helping where I can. Even more now since there's such a..."

She searches for the right word. "-Such a hole to fill. Honestly, I don't really know what to do. I'm not sure if I'm helping or hurting him right now, dad."

"Mental, I'm not sure there's much your going to be able to do for him at this point honey. The hearts a tricky thing. Sometimes it's just got to heal itself."

Thats when she realizes just how preceptive her dad is. It seems he's known something she only just figuring out herself.

"You know, don't you? You know he loves her?" She questions, but his face confirms it. "You've known for a while."

He nods.

"When? When did you find out?"

He leans up now, hands fiddling with his empty coffee cup, smile on his face. Like he's telling a secret he's been itching to tell for too long.

"Well, I knew she loved loved him right after I arrested her the first time. I mean, I laid it on her hard, and she wasn't giving him up."

"No, she wouldn't." Laurel smiled at the thought.

He continued. "But back then, I thought it was probably just a, one sided crush thing. Kinda felt bad for her to be honest."

"So what changed your mind." Laurel asked.

His faced chanced then, softened as he reflected on the time when he figured it all out.

"It's the way she affects him. I was thinking about it, while I was in the hospital 3 years back. I had a lot of time to think. I mean, do you know I never saw him smile, once, in the beginning? I mean, I know he's got this whole, intimidate the bad guys, thing going on, but I mean, nothing even gave a hint that this guy was happy. Then, oh, 4-5 months into it, we are breaking into some...well, we won't mention the details but..."

"Dad." She laughed.

"What! you're the DA now! I'm in charge of the entire police force! Can't be too careful!"

"Continue."

"So anyhow, we are looking for info on this creep of the week and she just pulls up what we need on the screens in the room in like, two clicks. I'm stunned, and tell him so, and what does he do? I swear he smiles. Just like that."

They pause as the waitress stops by to fill their cups again, and then he continues.

"And that's just a little thing. How about how he stopped dropping quite as many bodies everywhere when she came onboard?"

"But then there's the Count. You remember? Crazy drug lord? Bad hair? First body he drops in a year. Why? Her. That guy was going to kill her and he ends up with three arrows in him."

She interrupts him, because she's confused. She doesn't see the connection.

"But dad, how do you get love from all of that? Maybe he's just protecting his partner. Like you would for anyone of your partners on the force."

He looks her in the eye then, and speaks as one who has been through it and lived to tell about it.

"Because love changes you, Laurel. She changed him."

So perceptive this man, Laurel thinks to herself. How had she missed these things. His gaze is so intense, she wants to look away, but she doesn't. So he goes on.

"Protecting, that's one thing. You and me, we protect perfect strangers daily. But they don't change us. They don't make us better people. Loving someone. Really loving them...That can make you brand new."

_Unfortunately, it can also destroy you, _she thinks to herself.

But she realizes she must have said it aloud when her father wraps his hand around hers. "I don't think you'll let it come to that."

"I'm trying."

"That's all you can do, baby." He gives her hand another squeeze and pulls back. "You let me know if I can help."

"Thanks daddy. I will. Promise."

"Anytime sweetheart. Gotta make sure my girls are alright." She pretended not to notice the wetness in his eyes, or the way his voice shook as he finished. "You are the only one still hanging around here these days."

Then both their phones lit up with urgent text messages. Hers from team Arrow, his from the office. Their moment of peace was over.

"I gotta run." She tells him, standing.

"I know. Me too. Off to save the world. Just be careful." He says.

"Always." She in a hurry to get to the team before they go rushing off without her, which they are prone to do. But he grabs her arm lightly to get her full attention one more time.

"Laurel, I mean it. I know this is all exciting and you've been doing this for a while now, but-"

He can't look at her while he says it so he just pulls her in for a hug and whispers it in her ear. "I can't loose you too."

"I'm not going anywhere daddy."

"Neither was she." He reminds her. "We were scheduled for coffee, at this very table, every Sunday at 10am indefinably, until we weren't."

"That won't happen to me." She tells him, even though she knows she can't really make him any promises.

"Make sure it doesn't."

With one last smile, they part ways, each off to do their part in saving their city, each with a certain girl, heavy on their hearts. Somewhere, deep inside, part of her is a little jealous that practically every person she knows seems to be in love with Felicity Smoak. As she walks towards the lair, she wonders, guiltily, if there will ever be a day when her ghost doesn't follow them everywhere.

* * *

The woman sets the steaming cup of liquid on his desk just as he's finishing up his notes for the presentation he's due at in 30 minutes.

The secretary is new. Brand new. The 3 brand new one this month, actually. Just hired this week out of absolute necessity as things are heating up in both of his worlds. He's not quite use to having someone so close to him, yet so out of the loop about most of his real life.

So when she sets the coffee in front of him, he's been shocked at first, and a little confused. "What's that?"

She looks puzzled, as if the answer is obvious and she wasn't expecting much comment beyond a simple 'thanks'. "Coffee. Sir. It's early. Big meeting today. Thought you could use one."

It was amazing what little things could trigger a memory of her. He would be fine, making good progress, almost over it, and then someone would say something or do some little thing that was just so...her, and he was messed up all over again. Like his brain hit 'delete all' on his progress and he hadn't saved a thing.

Wherever he was when it hit, it was like the flashbacks he'd sometimes have of the island. One minute he was having a conversation with a real person or walking thorough a room of strangers or just sitting alone. Then, something is triggered and her ghost is replaying a conversation they've already had, or often an argument, because his guilty brain likes to torture him. He wishes desperately he could make the visions end differently. He wishes he could clamp his had over his mouth, or maybe just press his mouth to hers. But he can't. Because it's a flashback of a past story thats already written and finished. They always end the same though. She leaves.

Sometimes he swears he can feel her run her had down his arm as her ghost walks out.

If he have allows himself, he can get lost in thoughts of ridiculous arguments and accidentally inappropriate comments and threats against coffee machines. But he snaps out of it quickly because he can't allow that anymore.

So he dismisses the woman briskly. "No thank you."

"Sir?" She is still so confused. He's not sure if this is going to work out. Diggle is going to kill him if another one quits.

"Thank you, Mrs. Johnson but-"

"It's Johnston, actually." She corrects again.

He shoots her a tight, frustrated smile. "I'm sorry. Mrs. Johnston, I'm just- you don't need to bring me coffee." He fumbles.

"So you're not a coffee drinker?" She is persistent if nothing else, he thinks.

If it wasn't all so depressing, he'd laugh. But instead he only becoming more frustrated and out of control the longer this conversation goes on, and he doesn't want to hurt this woman. It's really not her fault. He didn't want coffee, or her company right then. What he wanted, who he wanted, was not there, and nothing was ever going to be a satisfying substitute. But she's just not getting it. And how could she? She doesn't know what shoes she's failing to fill. And she's fighting a loosing battle even trying.

"No, I mean yes- It's not that, I just-"

Clueless, she continues "Cause I can bring you hot tea? Or if you're in the mood for something cool a soda? Bottled water? Juice? Or maybe-"

He tries to think of an understanding, patient, way to respond, but all that comes out is a loud, "No! Just no!"

He can tell how badly he failed at the kind and understanding part by the way she shrinks back and her posture deflates. Great. There goes another one. "I'm sorry. I - I didn't mean to-"

He cuts in quickly, guilty. "You didn't deserve that. It's not you. It's not the coffee. It's just..."

_It's just that you're not her_, he thinks.

Instead he says, "I prefer to get my on beverages Mrs. Johnson."

"It's Johnston."

"Right. So sorry. Again."

"Yes sir. I'll uh, be at my desk if you need...whatever you need."

"Yes. Just, hold all calls for now."

"Yes sir."

She retreats quickly. Probably to pack up her things and type up her resignation.

As the glass door silently slides shut, he lets out a shaky breath and sucks in another. Trying to breath her out. But it's useless. She's stuck in him somewhere. And part of him is glad about it. But the rest of him has a meeting in 20 minutes and a life to live. He's normally better at compartmentalizing than this. He's had to become better at over the past year. He runs his hands through his short cropped hair and feels the sweat that has gathered there. Pushing his chair back, he lets both hands cradle his head as he rests his elbows agains his knees. He needs to breathe. In and out. Pull it together.

This is an important meeting down town with the executives of a company they are hoping to make a lucrative deal with. No time to fall apart.

"You okay, boss?"

He hadn't even heard Diggle come in, and that is a testament to how distracted this whole ordeal has him.

He stands quickly, gathering his notes.

"Yep. Yes. I'm good. Car ready?"

"Yes. Are you ready?" Diggle questions, with a steady hand to his back.

Oliver offers him a sad smile as he walks by.

"I don't really have a choice, do I?

* * *

The emails sat right there in his inbox, mocking him.

_Hey. Don't forget that Dig and Lylas' anniversary is this weekend. Give him the week off._

_Annual STAR Labs Gala. Barry is presenting. Send a word of encouragement. Please?_

_What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?_

_...Bob :)_

_Offices Lances birthday is tomorrow. He loves that coffee house on 5th. Gift card? Let me know._

_What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the door?_

_...Matt :)_

_Charity drive for CMN today. We may have crashed a van into their HQ last year during a night job thing. Send a big donation:)_

_What do you call a cow with no legs?_

_...Ground beef :)_

_Did you finish reading that copy of Dean Warners Business memoir? He gave it to you 6 months ago. He wanted notes on it by next week. Start now! _

_So...Good news first. Happy Bosses Day! You're the best. Also, your have a dentist apt. at 3:15. Sorry:(_

_What do you call a dog with no legs?_

_...It doesn't matter. He ain't coming. :)))_

_Happy Friday! Nothing today. Just because:)_

It wasn't like she was trying to communicate with him in code from where ever she was. Oh he had thought...hoped, at first that maybe she was. But after a little investigation and bitter disappoint all around, they had discovered that it was just a feature of the company email program to send out pre-programed reminder emails. Felicity had set it up on their email accounts when they were first getting QC up and running two years ago. Things had been crazy and money and time had been tight. This program was affordable and claimed to not let anything slip through the cracks. There were a lot of cracks back then.

It was a great feature. Forgetful of things like birthdays, meetings, anniversaries, planned events? Just input it in your calendar and the program would automatically send out a reminder email to your office computer and mobil device. Of course, Felicity had come up with her own unique way of using it to both remind him of things and bring a little happiness to the hum drum job of email checking. They had used it before on several occasions, but he had forgotten.

So six months after she had been gone, a week after her had decided to stop destroying himself by looking, that first email showing up had nearly put him back to where he was the day she left.

Laurel suggested they delete her account from the program. She thought that would probably stop the reminders from being sent. She had been pretty adamant about it. But he had made her leave it alone. It probably wasn't healthy and it probably wasn't helping, but he liked to pretend.

They arrived seldom, once or twice a month if he was lucky. Sometimes with important QC business reminders, sometimes with personal dates to remember or inside jokes they shared. It didn't really matter what they said. What mattered, was that for just a moment, just the few seconds between clicking on her name and reading her words, he could pretend she was there. Right outside the glass doors, scheduling and typing and planning away at the job she was way to qualified for but did anyhow because she, well, he knew now. Because she loved him. He knew she loved him back then too, he had just been to afraid of what might happen if they had... and then it happened any way.

He would read the reminder or the joke or the silly comment, and for those rare moments, he'd allow himself to smile, to think of her for just that brief, amount of time. Then he would look up and remember she wasn't the one sitting behind the desk outside his door. That was Beverly. 49. Short, plump, dark brown hair, not died. Not big on pencil skirts or heels. Not that good with technology. Not very talkative. Not her. Then he would hit delete. And move on. Because thats what she would have wanted. Or so everyone keeps telling him.


End file.
